


Carry On, Carry On

by subtlesinner



Series: No Room for Love in War [1]
Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Angst, F!Shenko - Freeform, F/M, Feels, Shenko - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-01
Updated: 2016-03-01
Packaged: 2018-05-24 01:50:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,765
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6137167
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/subtlesinner/pseuds/subtlesinner
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kaidan has a very difficult time dealing with the events that played out on Virmire, and Shepard doesn't exactly know how to help him with that...</p>
            </blockquote>





	Carry On, Carry On

Kaidan’s hands still wouldn’t stop shaking, hours after the mission on Virmire went sour, now some umpteen galaxies away by now. He couldn’t stop fixating on what had happened, obsessively, over and over; why did Shepard choose _him_ over Williams? How could anyone literally choose one of their friends over another knowing that the person you don’t choose is going to die? He could feel his chest constricting with panic as he paced relentlessly, his shaking hands carding through his dark hair anxiously. It seemed so hard to believe Ashley wasn’t just on a different part of the ship, inspecting her gear or eating in the mess, Kaidan felt his eyes burn against his will at the realization that her body was likely incinerated in the detonation. He sniffed once, swiping at his nose with the back of his wrist before resuming his pacing once more. He sighed, knowing the real reason Shepard had saved him, whether she would admit it or not, was because of whatever this… thing… between them was. Kaidan struggled for the right word to describe what had started as harmless flirting and minor attraction that quickly developed into something more. It terrified him to really think about it. Jane Shepard was a lot of things to a lot of people, human and alien alike; it seemed to good to be true that she went out of her way to talk to him whenever they had a free moment, and he couldn’t deny picking up on some kind of tension between them (in the best way possible). But thinking selfishly like that at a time like this disgusted himself so thoroughly, Kaidan thought he might be sick.

“Fuck!” Kaidan swore angrily, throwing his hands in the air in frustration. He could feel his L2 implant beginning to flare despite his scrambling efforts to stifle it, and Kaidan knew this day was about to get even worse. As he turned his head, an aura developed in his vision, and he felt the full force of the migraine struck him behind the backs of his eyes like twin hot needles.

Kaidan breathed in through his nose sharply, his jaw clenched tight against the pain. He knew he should probably go see Doctor Chakwas in the Med Bay as soon as possible, but part of him thought morbidly, what if he deserved this? Some kind of personal atonement for Ashley’s sacrifice on his behalf - Kaidan thought it suitable for karma to catch up to him sooner rather than later. He tried to ignore the blinding headache, pulling up his omni-tool to distract himself, but the glowing tech only made things worse, throwing star bursts in his eyes and making his stomach roil with nausea. He stumbled, rushing for the closest place to be sick; he made it to the empty Mess area just in time, purging the contents of his stomach into the trash bin. He felt at least slightly relieved when he’d finished wretching that no one seemed to be around, until he heard a familiar voice from behind him.

“Lieutenant-“ Kaidan jumped at the sound of Shepard’s concerned voice, but didn’t move from his position, hunched over the trash bin, shaking and sweating. “Kaidan… are you alright?”

“Not really.” Kaidan answered her honestly, praying his body didn’t give out on him right then and there.

“Tell me what I can do to help.” Shepard must have literally just finished filing her report with the council, along with all the other meticulous duties that accompanied being a council Spectre. He’d hoped she would pay him a visit sooner, so they could hash things out in private, but of course it was his luck that she’d be free right when he hit his lowest low. Kaidan spat, his mout still coated with the thick, unpleasant tang of bile.

“Can you give me a hand, help me get to Medical?”

He finally straightened up slowly, turning back to face Shepard, who stepped closer to him, her brows dipped together with worry. Between the injury he’d suffered on Virmire and the intense bout of sickness, Kaidan couldn’t stand completely straight; Shepard lifted his arm around her shoulder, inviting him to lean on her as they took small steps toward Doctor Chakwas’s office. As the door slid open, Shepard slipped back into Commander mode, issuing orders the second the Doctor looked up from her desk.

“Doctor, get some water and Kaidan’s migraine medication, please-“ The older woman sprang into action the moment she realized what was happening, grabbing a bottle of water, sterile compress and a bottle pain medication she always kept on hand for the Biotic. Shepard steered Kaidan to sit on one of the cots, helping him off his feet just in time for the Doctor to hand him the water. Kaidan accepted the drink thankfully, swishing the liquid around his mouth to try to cleanse away the taste of stomach acid before swallowing it to try to cool down his parched, raw throat. Less than a minute later, Kaidan was struggling to sit up as quickly as he could, motioning for the waste bin Shepard already had sitting beside him and coughing as his stomach immediately rejected what it was given.

“Lieutenant, why did you let yourself get in such a state? You should have come to see me immediately.” Kaidan sighed quietly with relief as he leaned backward, allowing Shepard to soak the compress with cool water before settling it on his feverish forehead.

“It came on pretty suddenly.” He answered quickly, glossing over the truth slightly. “I didn’t drink much water leading up to the deployment on Virmire. Then my implant flared up and…” Kaidan shrugged, closing his eyes against the lights on the ceiling of the office. Without another word, Doctor Chakwas prepared an I.V. to reintroduce some hydration into his system that his body wouldn’t just reject. She would still need to find him something for the pain, but it was a start, at least.

After a few more minutes, the Doctor had managed to locate a small dosage of medi-gel, adding it into Kaidan’s I.V. with a syringe.

“Now, you just need some rest.” He could feel the warmth of the medication sliding into his veins, spreading through him and willing his body to finally start to relax for the first time in a very long time, at least since the conflict with Saren had started.

“Thanks, Doc.” Kaidan mumbled, beginning to feel slightly fuzzy from the drugs. He cracked his eyes open when his thoughts turned urgent despite (or likely because of) the effects of the medication flowing through him. “Shepard-“ He hesitated on her name, and the Commander stepped a little closer to him. “Can we talk? I was hoping we’d get a chance to speak after what happened…” He trailed off, and Shepard exchanged a quick glance with Doctor Chakwas as she asked,

“Would you mind giving the Lieutenant and I a moment of privacy?” The older woman nodded sadly with understanding, thinking it perfectly reasonable that Kaidan would have a hard time dealing with the Commander’s decision and the loss of Williams, who she’d understood had grown relatively close to the Lieutenant. She checked Kaidan’s vitals one more time before leaving the room quietly. As soon as they were alone, Kaidan slowly eased himself to a seated position, his head still pounding with the effort. “Okay, Kaidan. We’re all alone, strictly off the book. What did you want to talk about?” Her voice held strong, despite the fear in her chest, knowing his question before the words had even left the Biotic’s mouth.

“Shepard… Why- Why did you do it? How could you choose to save me over Ash?” His voice shook when he asked it, betraying how long he’d been agonizing over the question.

“You were closest to the ordinance. If Saren had somehow-“

“That’s bullshit and we both know it, Shepard. It was already set by the time you decided to turn back. We both know the truth… I just want to hear you say it like it is.”

“Kaidan…” Shepard said his name like a warning, a ‘You don’t want the answer to this question’ kind of warning. “You know I could never have left you behind.” A mix of hurt and solemnity flashed over Kaidan’s features as he felt his heart rate quicken at her verbal admission. “Kaidan, you’re important to me.” He struggled momentarily for a response before finally managing to voice the thoughts whirling around his mind.

“While it makes me happy to hear you say that, Commander, don’t get me wrong, I feel the same way.” He reassured her, but his expression remained serious as he continued. “But, with all due respect, is that really a good enough reason? Williams died because of this, today. Because of _us_!” Kaidan’t voice was still rough from wretching earlier and he sounded angry, though whether it was with her, himself, or the hand they’d been dealt, Shepard wasn’t sure.

“Hey-“ Shepard’s voice sounded defensive and more than a little hurt by his outburst, Kaidan immediately regretted what he’d said in the heat of the moment. “If you’re looking for somewhere to assign blame, then blame Saren.” She was trying to conceal her feelings out of instinct, but Shepard almost couldn’t bear to look at him, tears springing in her eyes involuntarily.

“Shepard-“ Kaidan started, reaching out for her hand as she started to turn away from him. “Jane, wait.” He corrected, trying her first name for the first time out loud. “That was unfair of me… I’m sorry.” He stroked the back of her hand gently with his calloused thumb, and Shepard was taken aback by the simple act of intimacy. Kaidan watched her surprise, stopping suddenly but not letting go completely just yet. “We both know there are regs against this kind of thing…” He started, but trailed off at the look of determination on her face.

“I’m willing to give this a shot if you are.” Kaidan seemed to relax again after that, easing himself to lie back on the cot; he moved Shepard’s hand to rest against his cheek as his brown eyes drifted slowly shut. He yawned sleepily, before Shepard leaned down, allowing her lips to brush lightly against his ear, whispering, “Get some sleep, Lieutenant. We’ll talk later.”

“I’d like that.” He smiled drowsily, his eyes still closed, and Shepard had to try to wipe the smile off her face as she left the Med Bay slowly, knowing she’d been damned from the start.

 

 

 


End file.
